There are two things that we all need in order to reach our highest potential; others who are good and great. By good, I mean people who walk through life seeing the goodness in others, and do good themselves at every opportunity. By great, I mean people who are continually improving themselves in order to reach their highest potential in fulfilling their own mission in life. It is unusual to see both of these qualities in a group of people committed to the same purpose at the same time. I was incredibly fortunate during the past couple of weeks to have this experience not once, but twice. 

My first experience was with reading teachers who are working to become trainers of other reading teachers. These dedicated educators worked in a most determined way for five days so they could assist other educators to become more effective teachers of reading. They volunteered to do this work because each one was on a personal mission to improve literacy across the country. They struggled through their own hurdles to learn and wanted to be the very best they could possibly be.

From that training, I went directly to a three day seminar for speakers. This included twelve people from incredibly diverse backgrounds, all with the common desire to share their personal stories with others. They wanted to do this in order to improve thousands of lives of people they have never met. We worked on many things that resulted in dramatic personal transformations that left each participant vulnerable in a way none of us expected. We did the work because we wanted to do good, and wanted to become great. 

After I returned home I began to reflect on when I have done my very best work and have been the happiest. I realized that it was during times when I was surrounded by truly good people who want nothing more than to ease the burdens of others. It was when I was immersed in a culture of continual self improvement with others who shared my desire to grow and learn. Being in the company of goodness and greatness is what makes each of us the very best we can be.

It is difficult to find the words to express the joy I am feeling this morning, but I am going to try. On Friday night, our son Daniel married his long-time love, Susan. They have been together for nearly a decade and a big wedding may have seemed like an unnecessary thing to many...but it was a priceless gift they gave to our family and friends and a whole community of Chicagoans. Present at this celebration were four generations of two families who ranged in age from five weeks to 85 years, and many of the amazing friends who have been part of Dan and Susan's lives since childhood. The celebration would not have been complete without Dan and Susan's newer network of friends, most of whom are part of the Chicago music and theater community. 

When you choose a life partner, you want someone who will make you a better person. What is clear about this couple is how they inspire and encourage each other as artists and human beings. But what is even more special is how they inspire everyone around them. Their love for each other seems to wrap around us all. Messages from their friends on their big day included photos of them when they first became a couple and thanks for how they make others feel. When you are around Susan and Daniel, you somehow feel like you can take on the world. Oh, and you laugh. A lot. So, this wedding was truly a reflection of all of that. We laughed and loved and sang and danced and played games and just enjoyed being present. 

The wedding vows were like none I have ever heard. Susan noted that she knows Dan gets cranky when he's hungry, so she brought Oreos. The officiant pulled them out of his pocket and handed them to the groom. And yes, he did eat one right in the middle of the ceremony and then shared the rest with his grandparents. Dan compared their love to a doughnut. Thankfully he left the doughnuts at home. Susan said she was more sure about this than anything else. She promised to be patient and share Daniel's dreams as if they were her own and to love him to infinity and beyond. Daniel noted it was interesting that she said "infinity and beyond" because he had Buzz Lightyear tissues in his pocket. He promised to love and encourage Susan, to take out the trash, and to remember it is okay to be silent sometimes. Ceremony music included "Golly What a Day" (rewritten as a wedding song) from the animated Disney film Robin Hood, complete with spoons and a kazoo. The "reading" at the wedding was the story of the couple's history, told by Susan's brother Phillip, including quotes from family members and the bridal party. Following the ceremony was a wonderful, fun party with lots of music and laughter, comfort food and pie. At the end of the evening, the couple left with about half of the guests on a big yellow school bus that provided transportation from the venue to the train.

Now I am feeling such contentment that I simply cannot describe. How does life get any better than this? We got to have most of our family and friends under one roof to share a moment together with a loving couple who just permeate the world around them with love, kindness and joy. Golly what a day.

What is success? This is a question that can dog people for a lifetime. Some people chase material things believing this equates to success. Others pine for a romantic partner who may or may not ever enter the picture. There are those who believe that a high powered career means a life well lived while others think that just being there for your family is the highest level of success. People who believe they have achieved success usually find happiness. Those who think they have somehow failed seem to always yearn for what might have been had they made different choices or focused on different priorities. Lately I have spent a great deal of time thinking about the concept of success. What does it look like and feel like? What role does a short-term failure play in long-term success? 

Principles and Values

The foundation of success is having deeply rooted principles and values. These are the things you believe are universal truths and are important for all to follow. For most people these include things like honesty, integrity, kindness, doing the right thing (just because it is the right thing to do), and humor. It is only possible to uphold these in your own life if you surround yourself with others who share them. If you start keeping company with people who don't share your principles and values, you will either begin to adopt some of theirs, or end up alienating them as you attempt to hold them accountable for yours.

Sense of Mission and Purpose

Why are you here? This is perhaps the most difficult part to finding success. We must first understand what we are on the planet to do. This is a different question than discovering what particular job or career we want. Are you here to make the world more beautiful or to provoke thought through the arts? Are you here to care for and nurture others? Perhaps you are here to solve some great societal ill, to protect others or to heal the sick. Maybe you are someone who is a steady, consistent force in a community that moves things forward. Or you might be someone who creates opportunities for others to care for their families by creating employment. Your true purpose has to be the driving force of your life even if it is not the way you make money. Only then will you feel successful.

Fun

Everybody likes to have fun. Workaholics or those whose means are not sufficient will suffer the same fate. The workaholic simply doesn't take the time to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. Someone who does not have enough money to provide for basic survival truly doesn't have the time. Both of these people can feel like they are on a treadmill, unable to get off and feel successful.

The Role of Failure

Failure gets our attention in a hurry. If something doesn't go the way we believe it should, we tend to feel unsuccessful. When I fail, I tend to go back and question every decision I made. I play all of the scenarios back in my mind to discover if I should have done something differently. This kind of self-reflection is healthy to a point. If we use our own feedback to be better the next time, it is useful. But if we use it as a weapon against our own self-worth, it can be destructive. Most people do the very best they can and make the best decisions they can, based on the information that is in front of them. They don't set out to fail. 

Once failure gets your attention, you have to decide what to do with it. Do you want to go back and try the same thing again...OR do you want to use the experience as an important motivation to do something else? To answer these questions, you have to go back to your mission and purpose. What are you here to do? What will be the most powerful and expedient way to do it? As you move toward that, you must always incorporate your principles and values and remember to have fun along the way. If you can do that, you are truly successful.

March is the month when winter yields to spring. Some years this is an easy, painless process. We marvel over the crocuses bravely pushing through the stiff, solid earth to bring us lovely new color. We soak in the brilliant sunshine that has been gone for so long. The sweet sounds of playing children and chirping birds return. People stroll and lunch outside, eager to feel every bit of the new season. But this year it is not so easy. We are slowly working our way out of one of the worst winters most of us can remember. We have had some glimpses of spring, with warmer temperatures, bu winter continues to come roaring back. 

Transitions in life are a lot like March. We might be experiencing the loss of a loved one, a new job, moving to a new place, or having a baby. These big life shifts leave us in a state of transition for quite a while. One day you feel like you've got this thing. You feel powerful, with forward momentum, and can't remember how it felt just a short time ago, during your personal "winter." Other days, it feels like winter will never end. All it takes is one little reminder, like a cold chill in the air, to stop you in your tracks. You feel cold and just want to go inside and sit by the fire. You wonder if winter will ever end and long for the warm, long summer days. The interesting thing about seasons of transition is that we really don't know when they are over. Will this new blast of arctic air be the last of the winter of 2014? We don't know when the last bit of winter happens until it is long gone. Sometime in April or May or June, it suddenly occurs to us that winter has indeed ended. We move confidently into the new season and stop thinking about snow shovels and coats. We remember winter and know it will come again, but bask in the summer sun in all its glory as long as we can.

This morning I read this wonderful blog post by a high school special education teacher. She describes the little things along the way that let her know her kids are learning, and that they appreciate their time with her. It is beautifully written and a reminder for me of why I decided to become a special education teacher over 30 years ago. Seeing any child suddenly light up with new understanding is what most teachers live for. Watching a special education student struggle and struggle and then finally attain necessary skills that other children take for granted is beyond description. When I started teaching, I couldn't really see the full value of my work. My students would leave school and start lives of their own, usually without staying in touch. 

But today, with social media, everything is different. I joined Facebook in 2009 just before I moved from Florida to New York City. Many of my colleagues warned me not to do this. They said that I was inviting a more personal relationship with my students which could be dangerous. It has not been a problem. In fact, it has been a window into my own accomplishments. I am now privileged to see the adult successes of many students I knew so long ago when they were children. I see them going to college, getting married, getting new jobs, having children, and living their lives. I see kids I met as teens, who still had not mastered the basics of reading, now working and going to college. I see bright futures for students I worried about every day during the time they were with me. I see some of the most troubled adolescents blossom into confident adults, at peace with themselves.  A familiar saying for teachers is "I touch the future, I teach." Now, thanks to technology, we can actually see it. 

I have come to realize that the two most important things to find in the workplace are respect and joy. If you have both of these, everything else is easy. 

Respect is defined by dictionary.com as: "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability." If you are respected, the people around you generally say and do things that contribute to your feeling of well being. They recognize your efforts and understand the work you are doing is important. Imagine working in a place where people routinely diminish what you are doing as trivial or without meaning. Imagine working where people call you names, scream at you or even compare you to evil dictators just for doing your job. If you are respected, your colleagues will provide you with honest feedback, including information on your mistakes. They will tell you when you are off track in a way that allows you to get back on track. They will praise you for things you do well. 

Like respect, joy is also critical to job satisfaction.  Dictionary.com provides several definitions that speak to my need for joy:
1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.
2. a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated.
3. the expression or display or glad feeling; festive gaiety.

I love to be surrounded by people who see and feel the humor in all situations and are not afraid to express it. Laughter is a requirement wherever I work. I am not quite sure how people can go to work day in and day out without laughing. But joy goes beyond just laughter. Joy comes from doing things well, in an ethical way. Joy comes from doing things that help others. Imagine being in a workplace where no laughter is heard, where nothing but nastiness is valued, or where good work goes unnoticed. When joy is present, anything seems possible. People are just happy and not afraid to show it. There is an effort to help one another and make the world a better place.

If you are not happy in your workplace, look around and consider respect and joy. If it is not there, find a way to start creating it yourself. If your efforts to create it are regularly dismissed or destroyed, it is probably time to find another place to work.

This weekend I will be spending some time with some very seasoned friends. These are women I have known since early adolescence who know me in a way others don't. We don't see each other often, but make it a point to get together once or twice a year. In between we talk on the phone and do lots of group texts. If you saw our texts, you may think that they are from teenage girls, complete with silly jokes and funny photos. There is a way of interacting that friends from long ago have. It somehow gets frozen in time. No matter how long we are apart, we fall right back into our old patterns and reactions as soon as we see each other. 

There is an honesty from these friends that I have come to rely on. If one of us starts to take herself or life too seriously, the others quickly get her in line. If one of us is hurting, the others help to heal her wounds. When we are struggling with life decisions, we can count on blunt feedback that would be difficult to get from others. But mostly we laugh. Hard. This continues the entire time we are together. There is a shorthand humor among us that cannot be recreated with newer, less seasoned friends. This type of humor can only come through a long history of sharing life's challenges and joys, without judgment. 

Friends give us something different than our families give us. I am not sure exactly how to describe it, but feel very grateful to have it. If you are lucky enough to have friends like this, be sure to hang on to them. 

As a child growing up in suburban America in the 1960s, I enjoyed wonderful opportunities for play. My sisters and I ran with a gang of neighborhood kids nearly every day. We were expected to be outside almost all the time in those days. There was a social structure to our activities, with certain children who were in charge and others who would follow. We created games and worlds from our imaginations. There were no adults to mediate, nothing written to follow, and no technology involved. We just played. Looking back now as a parent and educator I understand just how valuable these experiences were. We learned to negotiate, collaborate, and do whatever was necessary to keep the maximum number of children in the game at all times. It wasn't really about winning and losing; it was about playing as long as possible. We had our own world, separate from our parents, that allowed us to develop independence, creativity and knowledge. These things could not be taught in a formal setting. They had to be learned through experience. I also learned to be a special education teacher through play. We were required by our parents to be inclusive in our neighborhood. There were a couple of girls my age with disabilities and I knew I was expected to include them. Our gang learned to adjust to meet their needs. Once in a while these girls would leave the group in tears. When that happened, we felt relieved that we could stop adjusting. But I also recall feeling like we had somehow failed.

When I began working as a superintendent of schools here in Perth Amboy, NJ, we started thinking about how instruction should look in all of our classrooms. Our school leaders began visiting classrooms at all levels (preK, elementary, middle, high school) to determine what was happening and how we could improve. We started our rounds at our early childhood centers which include three and four-year-old children. The school leaders immediately noticed how powerful play was in these settings. They took notes on specific interactions they observed among the children and concluded that ALL classrooms needed to include more engagement like this. Play is the vehicle that moves learning for preK kids. It can be used throughout all levels, including adult learning. If you have participated in corporate retreats, you have likely engaged in learning through play.

How can we ensure that all kids are getting enough time and space to play naturally, the way we did in suburban America in the 1960s? As parents, we have to ensure that our kids get outside with friends in the neighborhood. If you don't live in a neighborhood where there is a safe place for them to do this, take them to a playground and then get out of the way. They key is to allow them to make their own rules, run their own games, and solve their own problems. All you have to do as a parent is to ensure time and a safe place to do this. This may mean that you have to eliminate some of the structured activities that currently fill up your calendar. Beware, if you have not allowed your child the time and space to do this in the past, it may not come easy. Your child may come to you repeatedly and ask you to intervene in disputes. When this happens, you have to tell your child to work it out independently of you. Resist the urge to get involved. Expect there may be conflict and hurt feelings on occasion, but don't jump in to "save" your child unless there is grave risk to physical safety.

In schools we have to ensure that the structure of the day includes time for play. This may be at recess when adults need to stay out of the way. It may be in the classroom when teachers provide time, space, and materials for kids to use. I know of one school in New York that has block time infused into the daily schedule of kindergarten and first grade students. Students are given old-fashioned wooden blocks of all shapes and sizes and time to build. They love it. Teachers have found that this unstructured block time assists children to develop the spatial awareness number sense necessary to become good at math. Math scores in this school have increased dramatically as a result of just allowing children to play with blocks.The key in schools is to find as many opportunities as possible for children to do what comes naturally to them - play. 

At a time when we are increasing academic requirements for children, we need to be sure to always allow kids to be kids. Be sure to leave time and space for play.

Resources:

Give Childhood Back to Children

Drive: 9 Ways to Motivate Your Kids to Achieve

The Importance of Play

The Importance of Play for Adults

10 Quotes about Play